When one dies, their soul, their being, whatever you beleive is IN them leaves the body. It is readily appearant when one looks at a dead body. "It's not them." is a frequent statement made and I would agree. A nineteen year old girl hung herself a few days ago. She came from what seemed to be a good family that was loving and caring. Of course nothing is as what it appears. She battled with her sexuality and her families disapproval of it. In the end, she resorted to hanging herself in her closet...
Pushing on this girls chest trying to revive her, I knew she was gone. She was gone before I got there. But she was 19 and I had to try. If nothing else to gve the family some sense that everything that could be done would be done. It was the second dead body that I had intimately interacted with in less that four days...
A friend of mine was killed riding his bicycle earlier int he week. I knew better than to see the body. A year or so ago, I decided that if I didn't HAVE to see the body, I wouldn't. For fear that my limit was being met with the dead body catalog in my head. But in support of another friend who wanted to see the body, I went ahead and saw him. It is always the last image in your mind of that person. What a dummy I am. I have seen dead bodies before. I think the first one was when I was seven years old. Seeing my dad in his casket at an early age kinda made me immune to death and dead bodies early in life. But I think maybe that might be having a cummulative effect on me. I don't know...
I do know that for some reason I don't feel good these days. But I can't place it. I'm not depressed. I'm not irritable. But I'm off? Can't articulate it but I know something bothered me with the girl. 19 years old? Man what could be that wrong? So you like girls? So your family is not happy and maybe God will not approve and calls it a sin. My word! Each of us sin daily and God forgives us. It's called grace. Lord knows I don't deserve it. But HE gives it to all of us! I don't know if God can or does forgive suicide. I have never been very tolerant of suicide or the attempt there of. I believe it is a very selfish act. You don't hurt yourself. You hurt all of those around you and who's lives you have impacted. It is among the most selfish of all acts in my opinion. Maybe I'm just getting old and realizing that life is much more important than what I realized it was when I was younger?
I know when I was pumping on her chest, training just takes over. Calm, cool, coolected. I was back into medic mode. I knew I was doing it all right. But she was gone. It was futile. Maybe I'm realizing my own humanity. Acknowledging that no matter how much training, how fast I get there, how hard I work, I can't always make an impact or a difference. That's hard to accept. If that's true, why am I here??? Why give effort? But when I don't give effort I am not complete. It is not in my DNA to sit and watch and observe. God gave me a purpose even if I am still searching for what that is. Of all the dead bodies (with the exception of Andy) why does this one bother me? It's not that bad really. It just sits weird with me... Maybe it's just the fact that it happened in such close proximity to Parki's death.
Maybe I just needed to get it off of my chest and talk. I think I'm bothered by Parki and this just added to it. Shit the day after Parki died another colleague lost his 4 y/o daughter to cancer! Maybe it's ust cummulative for the week?!? That's probably it. Thanks I feel better now.
No comments:
Post a Comment