Conflicted

Love is a verb.  Actions can be expressed in a variety of ways. It can received in an equal amount of variety.  Chapman identifies 5 love languages on how people express/receive love. I found that my love languages are words of affirmation and physical touch. 

Without touch, there is no intimacy.  Without intimacy, there is no love. That is not true. There is love, but I don't feel it... How unwanted would you feel if your partner rarely touched you other than a hug or peck before you left for the day? 

Zero desire, zero initiation of anything sexual, zero seduction, zero intimacy or passion. How is one supposed to feel? 

But I have found that sex and physical intimacy is my idol.  So I have chosen to take a vow of celibacy.  Both from sex and self pleasure.  The only exception is if she initiates.  Which has maybe happened 5 times in our 15 year marriage. How depressing.  I wonder how long this will last. I wonder how long I can be disciplined? 

My conflict is with God. God placed her in my life. Not for me but for her.  He reminded me of that 6 years ago...  So am I destined to live unhappily for the remainder of my life?  Maybe so, cause that is God's command.  If there was no Good, I'm sure I would have left years ago. Unloved, unwanted, undesired...by her.

It has been said, we live a great FB marriage.  It has also been said we are great roommates.  Both are true I guess. 

Maybe the next 20 years will offer some hope.  

April 4, 2018 Hate-Love

I was awoken this morning and called to open the Book. Picking up where we left off. There are three portions which spoke to me this morning where I am. First "He who says he is in the light, and hates his brother, is in darkness until now." I John 2:9 NKJV I do not "hate" this person at work, because I truly do love him. But it's hard to love someone who continuously hurts you. So I do resent him. Which I guess is a form of hate right? I will work on "loving" him in my speech and in my heart, no matter how I may have been hurt in the past. Then I struggled with verses 12-14. Three Stages of Spiritual Maturity "I write to you, little children, Because your sins are forgiven you for His name’s sake. I write to you, fathers, Because you have known Him who is from the beginning. I write to you, young men, Because you have overcome the wicked one. I write to you, little children, Because you have known the Father. I have written to you, fathers, Because you have known Him who is from the beginning. I have written to you, young men, Because you are strong, and the word of God abides in you, And you have overcome the wicked one." I John 2:12‭-‬14 NKJV I couldn't connect with it as a father. What is John saying as a father we have known Him from the beginning??? And he repeats it twice!!! So it must be important right? John Maxwell breaks it down into 3 stages of Spiritual Maturity. Little Children-Who are getting right with God and Forgiving of their sins Young Men- Who are waging Spiritual Warfare and defeating opposition Fathers-Who have an Intimacy with God. Why does he repeat it twice? As I reflect, I guess I may have been all three at different times in my life. Currently, I feel I am a young man in spiritual warfare. Lastly, Do Not Love the World. I never thought I was a worldly manna's I am not very materialistic. Tho I do list with the eye as I believe each of us men struggle with daily. I have always, always struggled with the lust of the flesh and lust of the eyes. But today I really feel Good calling me to realize my "pride of life-is not of the Father." I have always put my pride in my work. My work life is not what it should be. I feel God is calling me to give it UP. But I don't know what that means yet. Maybe not the job, but the pride. IDK. "Do not love the world or the things in the world. If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him. For all that is in the world—the lust of the flesh, the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life—is not of the Father but is of the world. " I John 2:15‭-‬16 NKJV It was a great journey this morning through the Word. I am glad God spoke to me today. I love you both. I hope you have a great day.

Faith

What does Faith look like?  I feel the prompting to break from my current profession.  But how do I break without having another option open?  When one door closes is there always another one that opens?  I don't see it.  If I don't see it is it there? 

Or is it faith that I follow the prompting and leave without any follow up.  Do I step out in faith and follow his prompting without knowing what's next?  How do I pay my mortgage, bills, and provide for my family?  He will provide, I know.  I know.  But, logically do I really step away and just leave?  Without any back up plan?  Without any security? What do I do? 
What does Faith look like?  I know He will provide. But I can't help but fear I could be wrong and be making a bad decision for my family.  I have failed at so much in life already.  I can't fail again and expose my family to any pain or trial. 

How do I know? Who am I?

God is good.  All the time.

Conflicted.  I want to follow, but I am scared.