Still a failure???

I wish I had the opportunities to leave the destructive environment that I work in... Luke 4:24 says "Truly I tell you, he continued, "no prophet is accepted in his hometown."  This verse rings so true to me.  The work I do with MICC and meeting leaders accross the state I am amazed the similarities I have with leaders and leadership philosophies, yet at my own organization I am the devil.  

This weekend I am going to be surrounded by the people who obliterated my career.  I am dejected, humiliated, devalued, unappreciated, unloved, disrespected...  And I have to put on a face of happiness and fight every internal instinct to get angry, yell, fight and give the disrespect back.  But that doesn't help, no matter how good it feel.  God tells me to love my neighbor, love my brother, love my enemy...  Oh how hard that is.  I can't explain how little I feel.  I guess it's what a beaten wife feels like.  I have been beaten and beaten and beaten down so much by those who who you would think would care for me.  I walk with my tail between my legs defeated.  So I kill them with kindness.  It's all I have left.  I used t okill them with kindness to make them hurt and show them they haven't gotten to me.  Now that they have gotten to me and destroyed every fabric of dignity I have, it kills ME to kill um with kindness.  

My family has suffered for my errors in losing these realtionship with those that destroy me at work.  Financially mainly.  As it looks today, without a miracle, I will lose the house i am in and be forced to move.  I have no one to blame but myself.  No worse feeling for a man than not being able to provide for your family.  Broken...  :(

I have every bit of faith that God is there and will be there during this next phase of our life.  That doesn't change how I feel.  Yet it does.  Because when I read the book, hear His word I am nourished and fulfilled more than I could ever explain.  Such a weird feeling of comfort.  But that doesn't pay the bills, nor does it dry the tears in wife's eyes when I tell her we will have to move out of the house and neighborhood we live in.  My sense of value and worth is at an all time low.  I wish there was a reset button on lofe so I could start again.  But I would never do that to my children.  I may feel like a failure but I have a redeemer and He will redeem me.  That option leaves no room for redemption.  So until then...  I will keep praying, keep believing, keep positive, and struggle everyday to be genuinely kind to those who harm/hate and destroy me...

Failure

It has been over one year from that day.  My career was destroyed in a day by the actions of a relative slandering my name at work.  The result caused me to suffer greatly at work.  From being written up for false, out rights lies to being removed from special assignments for a FB post that administrators "perceived" as disparaging remarks toward them.  I thought that was the end.  Then came an evaluation that was not only not reflective of my performance but was also untruthful on several accounts.  I was passed up for promotion of which I was number one on the list.  Through it all God was working inside of me.  My life had grown so much and I had felt blessings more than I had ever felt previously.  I was in His word daily.  The MOA continued to meet bimonthly and supported each other continuously.  God was working in all of us.  My hear had softened and I forgave those whom I believed were unforgivable.  But I was forgiven by God through His son Jesus Christ.  So He asked me to show them forgiveness.  And I did.

Then it was time to test again for promotion and it was determined I was not eligible to test due to the previous evaluation even after receiving two evals with above average ratings.  This meant I may not be able to promote for two additional years.  Thus the damage caused by one day in my personal life will affect me and my family for the next 3-4 years.  I cannot promote to improve the well-being of my family.  I am on hold.  Although those who persecuted me tell me I have paid my penance, the tribulation remains.  I strive to improve myself professionally to pursue other avenues of employment but the zeal for work is faded.

I feel worthless.  I have failed in this life.  I have failed in my profession.  I am a failure at work with little or no friendship/comraderie.  I am the plague no one wants to get near unless no one else is around and they need someone.  I am a failure.  I have no ability to earn a better wage for years to come and even then my seniority will be so low I will be stuck on weekends until I retire it would seem.

I sought out legal action and have a great case that may yield quite a settlement.  But no one wins a lawsuit a friend once told me.  Then one night as I go through this mental anguish of being a failure, being undervalued at work, having no friends to share my time at work with, I contemplate legal action.  All my ducks are in a row.

At church it is discussed when making g major life choices to seek Scripture, get spiritual counsel, and practical reasoning.  Out of no where I have two meetings with supervisors.  Not discussing legal action in any way I feel the Holy Spirit's presence in their words to not sue and persevere the struggle.  In the end I choose not to sue as it does not appear to be God's will.

My bride struggles with her family that is so incredible hurtful and destructive toward her.  I want to fight back and cause them the same pain they cause her.  But that is not God's directions.  These are the same men who damaged me so much last year.  So it brings up those feelings of resentment and hatred for them.  But I pray for strength and overcome those feelings to guide her in forgiveness as well.

I applied for a teaching job yesterday at a local college and did not do well.  I am disappointed but not surprised.  I did not do by best.  God has a plan for me I know.

I have never known failure this much before in my life. Never this much oppression, destruction, sabotage, and feelings of under appreciation before in my life.  I am a failure and that is very difficult for me to accept.

Yet in that same self pity statement, I also recognize how blessed I am.  Blessed in having a job at all.  Blessed in the love and health of my wife and children.  Blessed in the minimum ability to provide sustenance for my family.  I am blessed.

My God has enriched me with people in my life, like the BCM family that is more loving and supportive than local related family members.  And now my Lord has introduced the possibility of raising an infant and a toddler who's mother struggles with addiction.  We have opened our hearts and our homes to God's will should He need us to care for these babies.  Only time will tell.  I have placed emotion aside on this one and am truly allowing God's hand to direct us.  I am a failure these days.  But I know God has done much more with less.  Who am I?