Don't make a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Suicide. Law enforcement's #1 killer that is not talked about. The thing no one wants to face until it gets thrown in your face. It's an interesting topic. I have two opposing stances on the topic. One the one hand I am un-empathetic and believe it is absolutely THEE most cowardly, selfish act one can do. The results of suicide leaves far more victim's that the one who commits the act. So generally I have been unsympathetic to the act.
One the other hand, my empathy and mission for LE PTSD and the mental health welfare of LEO's I have very aware of and empathetic to the act. IF the act is part of a traumatic event or accumulation of events in ones career. We see bad sheet. We see things that the vast population "may" see only once in their life time. I get that. And I am very empathetic to an officer/first responder who gives into their demons one night. Because we see and deal with demons daily. However, fundamentally, even those cases, I believe, are still selfish and cause more victims than necessary. I am still aware of conscious to the possibility of one who is suffering from PTSD. And for the record, I believe every cop has some varying degree of PTSD with any amount of time on the job. We see bad stuff...
Suicide is NOT the answer! But when a man or a woman who's career, who's identity is establishing control in chaotic scenes is losing control of his/her personal life I can see how it is a how one might grasp at control. When everything is out of control, that choice is something, may be the only thing that person can control. However, it isn't an option. It never should be an option. When you have hit rock bottom there is ALWAYS someone to call. Even if that someone is Jesus. There is always an option. Suicide is never acceptable as an option.
But you see in Law Enforcement we are taught to suppress our feelings and our emotions because you will not last 30 years in this career if you cry at every bad thing we see. And then one day someone you work with, who has suppressed their emotions for so long, holding in the demons in their heads for so long, they feel as if they have no other option than to regain control and hit the reset button, taking their own life.
But life is not that easy. There is not reset button to start over. But there are victims who will survive you. Several victims. There are ones immediate family members. Spouses, children, parents, siblings, friends. There are co-workers and work family members of which we call ourselves. There will be people who will blame themselves "What if..." But there is nothing anybody can ever do to prevent a suicide by someone who is focused and committed to completing the act.
There is NOTHING good that comes out of suicide. Nothing. There is no "Oh there in a better place now." "Oh they are with God now." They are not. "They are not in pain anymore." Physically I mean. i.e. fighting cancer. There is nothing good that comes out of suicide. Well maybe except some awareness and people get to talk about what not to do. Maybe the only thing she could have done worse than killing her self would have been to kill her children also. But maybe not. Maybe the damage she has done to these two children is far worse. But that will not be known for years to come.
Life and death has been a part of my life since I was three years old and my baby brother was killed. I learned at an early age that death is a part of life. We will all die one day. Even Jesus died, so no one will escape it. Six years ago this month, I buried my best friend who was died of Cancer. By far the hardest emotional thing I have ever had to deal with. But even after Andy died and my world felt like it was crumbling, we see kids riding their bicycles in the street playing, giggling and having fun. How could these kids be doing this when I was grieving the loss of a great man. But we realized then that "Life goes on." The truest thing in dealing with death, is that life around you goes on.
In closing, today was a roller coaster of emotions. I go to work, get suited up and ordered back to the station to be notified a Sergeant had committed suicide. After dealing with the shock and supporting fellow employees I went back to work. That's what we do. I wasn't that close, but it is still someone close, a coworker, a work family member. But at work the walls are up. Nothing gets in.
On my way home, I stop by some kids who were selling lemonade on the corner. The kids start jumping up and down with smiles of elation that I stopped. Well they were my kids and their friends from the neighborhood. Maybe that's why they were so happy. But I guess my point is, "Life goes on." A woman, a leader at my organization put a bullet to her head and killer herself. Peoples lives were changed forever today. Friends and colleagues are grieving. And as I arrive home, my children who are 9 and 10 years old respectively are completely ignorant to what happened to today. They don't see what I see. They don't feel what I feel. They are just happy to see me home safe from my shift at work. I came home tonight and bought some lemonade to bring home to my bride from kids on the corner. My kids on the corner... Life goes on. But in another town, two children don't have a mother to hold tonight. Nothing good comes from it.
Later this evening, we (the family) go to visit Ry's grandfather who is on hospice from a failed heart and complications of his heart defects. And my wife and MIL cry and sob and prepare to bury their father/grandfather. It was good to see him.
But wow what a day. What a roller coaster of emotions. Yet, I am not overly moved or emotional. Why??? I wasn't that close to T.C. Bepaw is 81 years old. He has lived a good life. I wish I could take his pain away, but it is his time to go. What a day. I am really at a loss for words. But only to say, Life goes on, life is short, thank your blessings, and call me. If you ever, ever have that slight indication where suicide is an option, call me. I will come to you where ever you are and remind you it is NEVER an option. Don't mkae a permananet decision based on a temporary problem.
Good night. Time to get off this rollercoaster ride and go to bed. Tomorrow is another day with new opportunities and challenges. But the sun always rises...
