Conflicted

Many of life's journeys have a fork in the road.  Sometimes the fork is easy, right/wrong, left/right, up or down.  Sometimes the fork has four prongs. 

One path is to stay the course and trust or wonder if this is God's plan.  Is it His plan to endue continuous struggle, contempt, discord and strife?  Maybe.  Maybe, one day it will all be for His glory.

The second prong takes the path of litigation. This path is not an intrinsic one at all. It does not rest easy with my soul.  It is not who I am.  The reward might be great financially, but money isn't everything.  In fact, it isn't much.  Men are only as good as their word and their reputation.  Am I worried about what they'll think of me? Or do I value what The Creator thinks more?

It seems like two choices but it is really two paths with two consequences.  I search my soul for motives.  I struggle daily and nightly.  Is it MY will or HIS? What an I afraid of?  Walking out in Faith?  I pray that He gives me a sign.  And He sends me three. Or am I interpreting them to fit MY will?  For every sign there is doubt.  For every doubt there is angst.   

I fall on prayer and petition to God to direct my walk.  I confide in other Christian men for guidance and prayer.  Their prayer and guidance is wise and steadfast.  Be Still and wait on God...  A common theme it seems.  I reflect and realize the two voices I hear loudest to pursue litigation are not Godly men.  But are men of this world.  So I walk out the door feeling God has spoken thru Jesus Guys and I will be still.

Within two hours of being at work, I am reminded by a Detective who says "I don't think anybody here likes you Matt." This is a man known for his directness and honesty.  He's right.  This reinforces my drive to litigate.  It reminds me that may be the main be my only option to sustain my family. But it's not what I want.

Does God want me to follow this path for the greater good?  Or am I thinking of me and being selfish to my needs and needs of my family?  I wish the fork had two paths and the clarity of God's will was a clear as crystal.  I know that time is on my side.  I am in no rush.  In fact, I wish and hope and pray I never have to make that decision.  I pray the decision IF made is clearly following God's will.

If rewarded, my prayer is that it will all be for God's glory.  That my life would have purpose to grow the Kingdom of God.

Every path I have taken at this place of employment has been met with wall after wall after wall.  I wonder if I do choose another path if God will say to me one day "What took you so long?"

Depression

I have always been the one who listens to others problems and probably have given more advice than requested.  I am the one who helps. But who helps me?  I have my wife and she is dear.  I have a few friends, but none I can truly bear my soul. Men in our Christian men's groups but again, usually a guide not a burden. 

I was selected as one of my organizations Peer Support personnel.  I go to this three day training a few weeks back taught by a bunch of shrinks from the Counseling Team.  The training was more of the same thing.  Listen more than you talk, keep their secrets in your vault and do t tell, yadda yadda yadda. Nothing too new except when she began to talk about the signs of depression. 

Increase/decrease in sleep patterns, fatigue, desire to change job or career, weight gain, blame, worthlessness, loss of energy, increased substance abuse, low motivation, suicidal thoughts, homicidal thoughts, difficulty concentrating.  Holy shit I must have had 85% of the signs and symptoms of depression.  And this is what I am supposed to look for in others. 

I didn't realize I was so depressed.  May I should talk to someone.  But I don't have time.  My cup is full.  Why am I depressed?  The diagnosis of Diabetes that I can't beat?  The effects of TBI?  The obliteration of my career and any potential future?  The unexplained weight gain of 20-25 pounds that I can't even begin to lose?  The sheer lack of energy and motivation I have to keep going or to try to get back in shape?  Financial failure?  Can't get us out of debt. Time share, Optiflex one after another I fail. It's a viscous cycle.  Work more, gone from the family. I am missing them and their life because I have screwed up.  Sometimes I think if I died on duty they would be better off in many ways. 

But I also think about the blessings I have.  God is more powerful.tha  anything I battle.  My depression doesn't get the best of me. But maybe I do need to talk to someone and/or get on meds.  I don't sleep well, I am heavier than I have ever been, I drink more than I ever have.  Maybe it's the job. Idk.  I drink a lot these days.  I used to drink 1-2 a week. Now I drink 5-6 days a week.  In fact I don't remember the last day I didn't drink. Hmm. That's weird.  That's not me.  I do t get buzzed. I don't get drink. Maybe it number the pain.  It's not helping.  I need something stronger.  I do t even know why I'm.depressed, if I'm depressed.  I have all the signs.  But idk.  Wtf?  Idk. 

Whatever. It's 2:42 am. I should go to bed. Busy day tomorrow. See ya next time. Thanks for the chat.