Still a failure???

I wish I had the opportunities to leave the destructive environment that I work in... Luke 4:24 says "Truly I tell you, he continued, "no prophet is accepted in his hometown."  This verse rings so true to me.  The work I do with MICC and meeting leaders accross the state I am amazed the similarities I have with leaders and leadership philosophies, yet at my own organization I am the devil.  

This weekend I am going to be surrounded by the people who obliterated my career.  I am dejected, humiliated, devalued, unappreciated, unloved, disrespected...  And I have to put on a face of happiness and fight every internal instinct to get angry, yell, fight and give the disrespect back.  But that doesn't help, no matter how good it feel.  God tells me to love my neighbor, love my brother, love my enemy...  Oh how hard that is.  I can't explain how little I feel.  I guess it's what a beaten wife feels like.  I have been beaten and beaten and beaten down so much by those who who you would think would care for me.  I walk with my tail between my legs defeated.  So I kill them with kindness.  It's all I have left.  I used t okill them with kindness to make them hurt and show them they haven't gotten to me.  Now that they have gotten to me and destroyed every fabric of dignity I have, it kills ME to kill um with kindness.  

My family has suffered for my errors in losing these realtionship with those that destroy me at work.  Financially mainly.  As it looks today, without a miracle, I will lose the house i am in and be forced to move.  I have no one to blame but myself.  No worse feeling for a man than not being able to provide for your family.  Broken...  :(

I have every bit of faith that God is there and will be there during this next phase of our life.  That doesn't change how I feel.  Yet it does.  Because when I read the book, hear His word I am nourished and fulfilled more than I could ever explain.  Such a weird feeling of comfort.  But that doesn't pay the bills, nor does it dry the tears in wife's eyes when I tell her we will have to move out of the house and neighborhood we live in.  My sense of value and worth is at an all time low.  I wish there was a reset button on lofe so I could start again.  But I would never do that to my children.  I may feel like a failure but I have a redeemer and He will redeem me.  That option leaves no room for redemption.  So until then...  I will keep praying, keep believing, keep positive, and struggle everyday to be genuinely kind to those who harm/hate and destroy me...