Depression

I have always been the one who listens to others problems and probably have given more advice than requested.  I am the one who helps. But who helps me?  I have my wife and she is dear.  I have a few friends, but none I can truly bear my soul. Men in our Christian men's groups but again, usually a guide not a burden. 

I was selected as one of my organizations Peer Support personnel.  I go to this three day training a few weeks back taught by a bunch of shrinks from the Counseling Team.  The training was more of the same thing.  Listen more than you talk, keep their secrets in your vault and do t tell, yadda yadda yadda. Nothing too new except when she began to talk about the signs of depression. 

Increase/decrease in sleep patterns, fatigue, desire to change job or career, weight gain, blame, worthlessness, loss of energy, increased substance abuse, low motivation, suicidal thoughts, homicidal thoughts, difficulty concentrating.  Holy shit I must have had 85% of the signs and symptoms of depression.  And this is what I am supposed to look for in others. 

I didn't realize I was so depressed.  May I should talk to someone.  But I don't have time.  My cup is full.  Why am I depressed?  The diagnosis of Diabetes that I can't beat?  The effects of TBI?  The obliteration of my career and any potential future?  The unexplained weight gain of 20-25 pounds that I can't even begin to lose?  The sheer lack of energy and motivation I have to keep going or to try to get back in shape?  Financial failure?  Can't get us out of debt. Time share, Optiflex one after another I fail. It's a viscous cycle.  Work more, gone from the family. I am missing them and their life because I have screwed up.  Sometimes I think if I died on duty they would be better off in many ways. 

But I also think about the blessings I have.  God is more powerful.tha  anything I battle.  My depression doesn't get the best of me. But maybe I do need to talk to someone and/or get on meds.  I don't sleep well, I am heavier than I have ever been, I drink more than I ever have.  Maybe it's the job. Idk.  I drink a lot these days.  I used to drink 1-2 a week. Now I drink 5-6 days a week.  In fact I don't remember the last day I didn't drink. Hmm. That's weird.  That's not me.  I do t get buzzed. I don't get drink. Maybe it number the pain.  It's not helping.  I need something stronger.  I do t even know why I'm.depressed, if I'm depressed.  I have all the signs.  But idk.  Wtf?  Idk. 

Whatever. It's 2:42 am. I should go to bed. Busy day tomorrow. See ya next time. Thanks for the chat.