Faith

What does Faith look like?  I feel the prompting to break from my current profession.  But how do I break without having another option open?  When one door closes is there always another one that opens?  I don't see it.  If I don't see it is it there? 

Or is it faith that I follow the prompting and leave without any follow up.  Do I step out in faith and follow his prompting without knowing what's next?  How do I pay my mortgage, bills, and provide for my family?  He will provide, I know.  I know.  But, logically do I really step away and just leave?  Without any back up plan?  Without any security? What do I do? 
What does Faith look like?  I know He will provide. But I can't help but fear I could be wrong and be making a bad decision for my family.  I have failed at so much in life already.  I can't fail again and expose my family to any pain or trial. 

How do I know? Who am I?

God is good.  All the time.

Conflicted.  I want to follow, but I am scared.

Conflicted

Many of life's journeys have a fork in the road.  Sometimes the fork is easy, right/wrong, left/right, up or down.  Sometimes the fork has four prongs. 

One path is to stay the course and trust or wonder if this is God's plan.  Is it His plan to endue continuous struggle, contempt, discord and strife?  Maybe.  Maybe, one day it will all be for His glory.

The second prong takes the path of litigation. This path is not an intrinsic one at all. It does not rest easy with my soul.  It is not who I am.  The reward might be great financially, but money isn't everything.  In fact, it isn't much.  Men are only as good as their word and their reputation.  Am I worried about what they'll think of me? Or do I value what The Creator thinks more?

It seems like two choices but it is really two paths with two consequences.  I search my soul for motives.  I struggle daily and nightly.  Is it MY will or HIS? What an I afraid of?  Walking out in Faith?  I pray that He gives me a sign.  And He sends me three. Or am I interpreting them to fit MY will?  For every sign there is doubt.  For every doubt there is angst.   

I fall on prayer and petition to God to direct my walk.  I confide in other Christian men for guidance and prayer.  Their prayer and guidance is wise and steadfast.  Be Still and wait on God...  A common theme it seems.  I reflect and realize the two voices I hear loudest to pursue litigation are not Godly men.  But are men of this world.  So I walk out the door feeling God has spoken thru Jesus Guys and I will be still.

Within two hours of being at work, I am reminded by a Detective who says "I don't think anybody here likes you Matt." This is a man known for his directness and honesty.  He's right.  This reinforces my drive to litigate.  It reminds me that may be the main be my only option to sustain my family. But it's not what I want.

Does God want me to follow this path for the greater good?  Or am I thinking of me and being selfish to my needs and needs of my family?  I wish the fork had two paths and the clarity of God's will was a clear as crystal.  I know that time is on my side.  I am in no rush.  In fact, I wish and hope and pray I never have to make that decision.  I pray the decision IF made is clearly following God's will.

If rewarded, my prayer is that it will all be for God's glory.  That my life would have purpose to grow the Kingdom of God.

Every path I have taken at this place of employment has been met with wall after wall after wall.  I wonder if I do choose another path if God will say to me one day "What took you so long?"

Depression

I have always been the one who listens to others problems and probably have given more advice than requested.  I am the one who helps. But who helps me?  I have my wife and she is dear.  I have a few friends, but none I can truly bear my soul. Men in our Christian men's groups but again, usually a guide not a burden. 

I was selected as one of my organizations Peer Support personnel.  I go to this three day training a few weeks back taught by a bunch of shrinks from the Counseling Team.  The training was more of the same thing.  Listen more than you talk, keep their secrets in your vault and do t tell, yadda yadda yadda. Nothing too new except when she began to talk about the signs of depression. 

Increase/decrease in sleep patterns, fatigue, desire to change job or career, weight gain, blame, worthlessness, loss of energy, increased substance abuse, low motivation, suicidal thoughts, homicidal thoughts, difficulty concentrating.  Holy shit I must have had 85% of the signs and symptoms of depression.  And this is what I am supposed to look for in others. 

I didn't realize I was so depressed.  May I should talk to someone.  But I don't have time.  My cup is full.  Why am I depressed?  The diagnosis of Diabetes that I can't beat?  The effects of TBI?  The obliteration of my career and any potential future?  The unexplained weight gain of 20-25 pounds that I can't even begin to lose?  The sheer lack of energy and motivation I have to keep going or to try to get back in shape?  Financial failure?  Can't get us out of debt. Time share, Optiflex one after another I fail. It's a viscous cycle.  Work more, gone from the family. I am missing them and their life because I have screwed up.  Sometimes I think if I died on duty they would be better off in many ways. 

But I also think about the blessings I have.  God is more powerful.tha  anything I battle.  My depression doesn't get the best of me. But maybe I do need to talk to someone and/or get on meds.  I don't sleep well, I am heavier than I have ever been, I drink more than I ever have.  Maybe it's the job. Idk.  I drink a lot these days.  I used to drink 1-2 a week. Now I drink 5-6 days a week.  In fact I don't remember the last day I didn't drink. Hmm. That's weird.  That's not me.  I do t get buzzed. I don't get drink. Maybe it number the pain.  It's not helping.  I need something stronger.  I do t even know why I'm.depressed, if I'm depressed.  I have all the signs.  But idk.  Wtf?  Idk. 

Whatever. It's 2:42 am. I should go to bed. Busy day tomorrow. See ya next time. Thanks for the chat.

Change

I need a change. I have never been so depressed as I have been the past few weeks.  I am so unloved, unappreciated, disrespected and  devalued at my profession.  If I were gone tomorrow I would be forgotten.

I have been solicited to explore the opportunities at Irvine, Anaheim and El Monte. There is also a private sector option in the background.  Maybe leaving my profession for a passion.  We will see what God's plans are for that transition. Something will change.

We moved into our new home and have lived here for a week.  After Charlie's first day of Jr. High she had her first soccer practice.  During conditioning she broke her forearm in two places.  She had surgery three days later and is now recovering.  No soccer this season for the Bear. Change is on the horizon.  New fitness and lifestyle change for the family is approaching.

In the last 6 weeks I have had an unexplained weight loss of over 30 pounds. My B.S. is running between 400-600mg/dL.  That is not good.  Guess I should probably be hospitalized and I may be in Diabetic KetoAcidosis.  I don't have time to spend 3 days in the hospital for treatment.  Got to focus on Charlie and work. Do not have time for this.  Ryan is worried I am going to die.  I doubt that will happen.  I mean I know I will die, but not soon. We all die.  I hate that she is stressed because of it.  We need only to worry about Charlie right now.  No time to worry about me. 

New house, wounded child, new school year, life threatening disease, new career opportunities will all be a change.  Change is good they say.  It has been said that we change when the pain of staying the same hurts more than the pain of making the change.

I don't know what God has planned for me.  But I DO know that my life is about to change dramatically.  I do feel a more terminal side of life these days.  Probably the first time I felt that life is coming to an e d.  Doc says I probably only live to be 60.  That seems like right around the corner.  Maybe medical technology will have great advances by then.  God is good, all the time.  I am not afraid.  Juat concerned that I dot leave my family struggling.

Change...

Not satisfied where I am. Why?

Why do I feel like I am not living up to my potential? Not satisfied with where I am.  I could be more.  I should be more.  But I am not.  Am I over?  Have I reached my peak of potential? 

I want to graduate with honors.  I don't think I will.  I didn't focus on school.  Too many other obligations pulling me away from being my best.  Story of my life. I can do everything.  But everything will not have my best.  Spread too thin. 

I know God is guiding my steps now more than ever.  I wish I knew for sure the right path.  More school to be able to provide for Ryan and the kids? Or status quo? Keep on struggling?  Keep up the race?  Man, I have made so many mistakes. 

I wonder where we will live, how we will pay and what HE wants us to do in this world for further His will? 

Family

What a wonderful time away with my bride at the Desert Springs Marriott once again.  This year we enjoyed a couples massage to begin our time away.  We later followed up with dinner at Kobe Steak house.  We met Uncle Walt and his wife Rhonda and carpooled with Matt and Carla.

Rhonda and I connected last year at Walt's house during MICC.  She is a TBI survivor.  She is still processing the disability and struggling with the transition.  So it was nice to talk and share experiences with her.  They have a house at the river.  Maybe we will join them at the end of summer.

Spent the remainder of the evening with Matt n Carla.  The conversation never ran dry all evening.  Matt and I were never really that close during MICC.  Funny how much you learn about a person when you spend some time with them.  Our wives actually made most of the connections.  Matt and I both have lost a baby brother in a traffic related accident.  Both have passion for saving LEO lives through our teaching.  He actually initiated the Below 100 initiative in an every 15 min format. 

Carla is the Director at SJVC in the Central Valley.  She is working on her EDd in Leadership.   So had a lot in common with them both.  Ryan and I shared some time with a couple we really enjoyed.  It was nice.  Matt will go far in his organization.  It is apparent. 

Enjoyed a wonderful breakfast and discussion with Ry in the morning.  One of the best times we have had in a long time.  I am really enjoying our marriage and relationship.  I wish we could have enjoyed the last 12 years the same way.  But I am forever thankful to God Almighty for who she has become as my wife. 

My babies were a lil misbehaved for my mom.  So came home to a lil drama.  But man I miss these babies.  Was nice to spend the day with them.  They are all going down to watch Randi at Crossfit regional tomorrow while I go to work.  So I get to miss them a few more days.  Then Ry n the Bear leave for a few days to SB for mommy/daughter time.  More days away.  Ugh.  What a different place my life, love and leadership is in because of my relationship with God.  I am very blessed and humbled.  Realizing too that to much is given, much is expected.   I will not let Him down.

The resurrection

We celebrated the resurrection of our Christ Jesus today at Easter service.  I was so moved through emotions.  Brought frequently to tears of the power and emotion of His sacrifice.  I love being inspired by His word.  I fear if I commit too much He takes me home to Heaven earlier than I may like.  I also fear that I am a sinful man and may never come to know the wonder of Heaven because I do not d reserve to be there.  This, I believe is the struggle of man.  How can He accept me when I am by nature sinful? 

I pray frequently, mostly for others but about myself to keep me from temptation.  Yet it is ALWAYS there.  Always. 

Jesus came to this world to live as man.  He died to pay for our sins.  I believe through Him I may have eternal life,  even though I do not deserve it. 

My mother from another brother (Andyman) is fighting terminal cancer.  I pray she comes to know Jesus well before she goes.  She is a fighter and will be here awhile I feel.  So I pray our dialogue increases about Jesus before she goes.

Jesus us my Savior, for which I do not deserve.  But He came for me, and YOU to forgive us and show us grace to save our lives and bring us to eternity. 

I love my Lord.  I realize how sinful this world is on a daily basis.  Where would I be if it weren't for Jesus?  Scary but true.